Pharr Away

To Love. To Grow. To Change. To Live.

Tuesday, November 13, 2018

Her Golden Jubilee


When I received a few birthday photos from my aunt back in June of this year, I immediately began to cry when I got to this one. If you knew my mother, you'd know that this is simply an image of her in the form of me. Today my mother would have been 50 years old. She died from Hodgkins Lymphoma about a month shy of her 43rd birthday. 

I'd gotten to a point, where the thought of her and her passing didn't sting as much. A point where I could think of her and feel her love or smile or infectious laughter and be warmed by it instead of feeling down. But, I often still ponder how much she and the girls would have completely adored and obsessed over each other because I know from experience how special grandparents are. So the thought of their relationship, that will never be, and the lack of the ability to share my parenting experience with her, are some of the only things I still get pretty upset about at times. Otherwise, I was truly starting to cope with life without her in a more peaceful, settled way. 

But this year, her golden jubilee birthday year, I couldn't help but lament as I've thought for months about how I would have celebrated with her and would have attempted to give and show her the world. And, as proud as I know I've continued to make her over the years, I also feel that I've deeply disappointed her due to my failure to protect her baby - although I fully understand that my brother's death six month's ago is not at all mine to own. 

I'm not sure if the sting of those I've lost this past decade will ever start to fade again over time, as it once did. So, my prayer throughout this year has constantly been for strength; strength to get through these moments, birthdays, anniversaries of their passing, and holidays, and the strength to continue to get up each day and live a full life that honors God and represents them well.

I know that God is with me to guide me through all that I have faced, and I trust in the promises of His word. Therefore, I know that I am covered in this. But, I ask that you pray for me anyway.  Seriously and fervently.  Especially on today, and for the months and years of grief-stricken moments to come.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." -Matthew 5:4
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As always, Live Fully


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