It's been far too long since I've updated this space, but my traffic here didn't miss a beat and I love you all for it.
Here's what's been going on with me (and a few of my thoughts) the past couple of weeks:
Traveling regularly wears me out. People think that traveling for work is glamorous and fun. It gets old real quick. Really, really quick. When I'm home, I try to spend a lot of time with my family. I cook a lot, clean a lot, and try to do things that I think will make it easier for my husband during the time that I'm away. I'm still trying to get into some sort of routine and balance with this, but it's hard because I travel every other week. So, as soon as I get comfortable in one setting, I'm off to another. I'm praying about it, because honestly, I don't know what else to do.
I've been getting sick every time I travel to Memphis. By the end of the week, I'm not feeling like myself. It tends to feel like a cold, but sometimes I'm not sure if it's allergies. Everyone I spoke to about it said I'm probably picking up something from people at the airport/airplane, and I believe it. I've watched as grown-ups sneeze and cough without covering their mouths properly. It drives me bonkers. Hopefully, my body will build up some sort of immunity to this, and fast. I was out for a whole day a couple of weeks ago; slept for 14 hours straight and still woke up tired. Ugh!
I'm Worried (about Mario)
I worry about my husband a lot. It's not that my husband can't handle things when I'm gone. The problem is the timing of this whole transition, and how much he has to handle while I'm gone. Mario is currently in school to get another degree. He's got 18 credit hours this fall. He still works quite a bit as well. He also coaches AAU basketball and has practice 2 - 3 times per week in addition to tournaments on the weekend. He has a lot going on and now has to add taking care of our girl solo as number one on his list. When we talked about all he'd be doing this year we went into it knowing it would be a lot, but was all needed for the career path that he is on. We also agreed that I'd take on the bulk of the responsibilities at the house, including managing all things Maddie, while he pursued his dreams. My transition at work mid-year definitely put a wrench in our plans, and we're doing our very best to keep everything going during this season of our lives. He's admitted that it's hard though, and we're trying to determine what we can/can't let go to maintain our sanity. But, as he's so wisely stated, we need to give something about six months before we make any judgement calls. I love him for that, and I'll make a note not to have an "emotional" chain of thought about it here again until...December :).
I'm Worried (about Madison)
I'm worried about Madison just as much, if not more. By the time my husband gets home, he's had quite a day, and usually has school work to read or do at some point as well. I worry that his patience will be short with our girl. That she's just another thing on his list of things to do, and that she won't get the attention that she needs. She's already missing me, I don't want her to miss him too (even if he is there, he can not be there, if you know what I mean). I've expressed these concerns to him, of course, and he's been honest about how he's felt and assured me that being mindful of where he may fall short in regards to being present with her is the first step in being better.
We'll talk more about the things I don't expect my husband to start doing just because I'm not here at times in a different post. I have quite a bit to say and it may be a bit controversial so I'd like for us to have room to discuss it separately.
I'm Not Confident
At work, I've found myself feeling like the one in class that just doesn't get it. This new position offers a great opportunity to learn, and I'm ready and willing, but it's been quite overwhelming from the start. I work in an industry that's very fast past, and oftentimes you're trained through the experience itself so I find myself trying to grasp concepts in the mist of doing them. I pride myself on doing a good job so I worry that at this stage, when I'm trying to figure things out, that I'm not doing a good job. I've lost my confidence. At least for now. I'll let y'all know when I get it back.
I'm More Aware
Absence most certainly does make the heart grow fonder. I find myself more in love with my husband and child, and have truly learned to cherish each day of the week that we have together. My husband and I flirt more, touch more, talk more, compliment more, love more. Missing each other has been good for us. It's still hard, and there are areas that we also struggle with because of my absence but that's also another post for another day. Again, I have much to share.
Now that I don't see my daughter every single day, I can more fully see her growth. I can see that she is learning, and we have full blown conversations now about her day. She's becoming more articulate, and her personality is truly starting to show, and I'm more aware of these changes in her now.
I've Taken A Break
I needed to take a break. To recharge. To sit and talk to my husband and figure out what we wanted, what we can handle, what we wanted to do. What our goals were. Why we're doing what we're doing, and how long we need to do certain things. We needed to plan. So, we went on vacation and just enjoyed our family, each other, and had time to think and just be. It was good, and we have vowed to take an annual vacation each year and to do so for a full week going forward.
God has never, ever failed me. I can't help but know that He's put us in this position for a reason. I'm looking forward to coming out on the other side of this better; a better person, a better wife, a better mother, a better friend. It is my hope that our lives are even richer because of this experience.
Ultimately, this transition to a traveling-working mom requires sacrifice and growth from us all. You can't even begin to imagine how much unless you're doing it with a family of your own. I know that other parents do this all the time, but knowing that doesn't make it any easier to digest and get use to for me. We're going to keep pushing and trying to make this work until God prompts us or leads us in a different direction.
What kind of transition have you been trying to work through lately? I'd love to hear how you're working to overcome or adjust to a difficult situation.
Find Joy (no matter the season of life that you're in),