To Love. To Grow. To Change. To Live.

Friday, January 13, 2017

What About Me...

It's my first post of the new year, only thirteen days in *snickers*.  I felt some type of way about it at first then realized, it's okay.  Part of what this year is supposed to be about for me is self care which includes not putting too much pressure on myself to do this, that, and the third.  It doesn't mean that I don't set goals, reach high and aspire for greatness.  It just means that there will be periods along the way that requires me to be still.  To know that I can do a lot, but I can't do it all and especially not all at once.

2016 taught me that I had learned the portion of self care that involved loving myself, but I hadn't yet learned how to truly take care of myself.  So, I'll be doing a lot of that in 2017.  I'll be using my vacation days like they're limitless (ha, ha -- I wish), taking trips without my family, taking big, fun week-long trips with my family, and just doing some healing that should've been sought after years ago.

You see, I've been through some things (I know, I know, we all have) that you just don't talk about with just anybody.  They've shaped and molded me and made me who I am.  I am grateful for my journey but man, it's left some scars that can show themselves in some ugly ways when I'm not mindful.  They show up as moodiness, depression, anxiety, fear, etc.  They're all just beneath the surface and sometimes so very hard to control when I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I've cried a lot lately, openly and freely, and for what seems like no apparent reasons. But, there are reasons. I've discovered that I need tools and mechanisms to deal with the hard things when I'm going through a valley in life, and to remember that suppression is not a long term solution.

In addition, it's okay for me to admit that hormones truly do play a part.  There's an imbalance that's still occurring, especially since I'm still breastfeeding, that affects how I feel from day to day, week to week.  I often say that I don't want to throw out the I'm a women, mother, wife, minority, you name it card when things get tough.  I don't want to be a person full of excuses.  Besides, everyone has burdens to bear and things they're dealing with; something.  But, as one of my coworkers keeps telling me, that doesn't minimize, negate or mean that your issues aren't worthy enough to be considered.  By the way, I walked out of a staff meeting with tear filled eyes due to feelings of being overwhelmed, inadequate, etc. the first week of the new year.  This, my friends, is the extent at which hard things tend to consume me these days -- I can't even control my emotions at work. So, yeah, it's more than just "oh, she's having a bad day" type of thing.  It's real, going through, dealing with a lot type of situation, and it's life.

I guess what I'm saying is that 2016 was rough.  The birth of Morgan was the best thing that came out of last year but I could've done without the rest.  My (grand)father died and the thought of it eats at me at times.  The affects of postpartum hormones are lingering and impacts the way I feel. Marriage is great but hard. Trusting is so, so hard.  The new job I took on at the start of the year has been challenging in ways I didn't expect.  Lastly, I can't even begin to express how tired I feel and the headaches that are showing up more frequently than normal.  I get that this is only a season. But, again, it's more to it than that.  So much more complex than just that.

And in the mist of it all, things must continue to get done. The family tending.  The friendship mending. The housework. The work work. The blog work.  What about the work that must be done in me?  

What about me. Just. Me.

So although this life is incredibly amazing when I pull myself from beyond those "woe is me" thoughts, there are valleys that I have to trudge through and hard things to overcome.  I absolutely have to work on the things buried deep within.  I have to be strategic about how I view things and how I spend my time, and where I let my mind take me going forward.  There's Jesus and therapy and love to help see me though.  I've just got to be willing to do the work and grab onto hope.  I'm praying that the work that's done within me in 2017 will be rejuvenating and lasting.

Be Strategic (<-- my phrase for the year ;)),
Photo via Pexels

xoxo, Nicole
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