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Friday, October 17, 2014

Death | Day 17


It's been three years.


Three years since my mother died.  Three years since I've touched her.  Kissed her.  Three years since I've been able to say I love you to her.

I still tell her that I love her and I miss her when I talk to her sometimes.  It's not the same.  But I tell her.  I hope that doesn't make me seem crazy; me talking to her and all.  Sometimes I just do it.  Out loud.  Because I don't know what else to do...

Mom, I wish you were.
Mom, I need you.
Mom, you always use to give the best advice.
Mom, you would know just what this recipe needs.
Mom, you'd adore Madison.

Momma...!

It's sad, I know.  But it is what is it is.  This year without her I did manage to stop being so angry with God about it.  I remember being in the hospital waiting room maybe a month or so before she died, with the rest of my family; grandparents, aunts, brothers, cousins.  We were all pretty silent.  I was reading the bible and I believe up to that point I'd been holding myself together pretty well. But as I came to Isaiah 53:5, "But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.", I nearly lost it.  

He said it right there in His word!, I cried out, repeatedly.  I just couldn't understand why she wasn't being healed when He said so in His word.  

This year it hit me.  Death is ultimately a gateway to healing.  No more suffering. No more pain.  No more trials or tribulations.  

She is free. 

Once I was able to think about it along those lines I was able to make peace with the fact that His word did not return to me void.  Since then I've been able to pick up my bible and read His truth and actually believe that it is truth once more, and I look forward to hearing God say "well done, thy good and faithful servant" so that I can walk through those gates and see her again.

Hone in,


  

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2 comments

  1. It's so good to read this and know you're in a different place now than you were last year and the year before that. Today, my heart goes out to you. You know that I've been praying for you and I pray for you constantly concerning you and your Mom because I know how you feel about her. During that praying time I found the perfect passage for you...and I've been saving it for you, for today. I left it at home though :-) So when I get back there I will share it with you.

    You know it's okay to take the time you need for you, not only today but every day. Nobody has the right to tell you how to handle grieving for your loss. Do what you need to do for you; to make sure you can be the best you can be! God is definitely a healer and he definitely understands. You're never alone...all you have to do is turn to him...especially during your times of need. So many people are here for you. Remember, God loves you! I love you!!

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  2. Thank you. It took about 5 years for me to come to that same revelation after I lost my Mom. I rejoice in the knowledge that she is free and I will see her again.

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