To Love. To Grow. To Change. To Live.

Saturday, October 18, 2014

Crying | Day 18

Do you cry enough?! I know I don't.

Growing up I cried too much and was called a crybaby quite often. I was also bullied throughout all of the fourth grade, but that's a story for another day.  I went to another school in the fifth grade and decided that prior to going to middle school I should probably toughen up and stop crying all the time.

I became this tough, hard, blunt person that I imagine I mostly still am today.  My point is that early on I stopped allowing myself to have the release that crying gave me.  I cried a lot because I was, and still am, a very emotional person. Crying made me feel better.  It didn't changed anything, but it did make me feel better.  Just getting it out.

But now, I still spend a lot of time suppressing my emotions in an effort to appear strong.  I don't want to inconvenience others or make them sad.  It's silly really.

I keep a lot of the emotions surrounding my mom, her death and the months that led up to it to myself because I don't think anyone will understand.  I hung out with my friend, Jamila, on Thursday night and not once did I mention that the next day was the anniversary of my mother's death.  She texted me the next day, concerned, wondering why I didn't say anything.  I so adore her. I also cried all the way home from her house that night. I wanted to get it out before I got home to my husband so that he wouldn't have to deal with it.  I waited outside and fixed my face before heading in.  By the time midnight struck I was still up and it was THE day.  I had Luther Vandross, her favorite, playing in the background, because even though it makes me cry worse it makes me feel close to her.  I completely lost it.  Balled up, crying, screaming, lashing out uncontrollably, I cried hard for the loss of my mother. Mario held and rubbed me until I stopped.

My first words upon calming; "I should cry more!"

Suppressing my feelings isn't doing me any good, and it certainly isn't helping my relationship with folks.  Whether I think people will understand or not, it shouldn't keep me from expressing myself, openly crying when I need to, and allowing people to be there for me in any way that they can. I've spent a lot of time being this strong woman who didn't need anyone or any help, who kept her feelings to herself.  It'll take some time to break that unhealthy habit but I'm definitely planning to try.

With that said, lately you can probably find me somewhere crying on somebody's shoulder.

Hone in,


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