It's weird because I don't feel like I've done anything much since yesterday to make me feel this way. At the same time if I think about it, and stop always minimizing how situations affect me, I too have been through quite a bit since yesterday. Since Maddie is still so young I didn't stay in the hospital with Mario the night of the surgery...the first night. I desperately wanted to. He wanted me to too. He even said so. But he understood. I didn't sleep well without him.
Maddie's tired too. Today we arrived at the hospital around 10am and didn't leave until 8pm. She was such a good girl all day. But, by the time we'd made it home the affects of the long day reared it's tantrum-ready head. She screamed about wanting to take a bath as I pulled her out of the tub. She was more than clean when I pulled her out. Her fingers and toes had begun to prune as proof. "I want to take a bath, I want to take a bath, I want to take a bath, PLEASE, I want to take a bath", she cried. What did she think we'd been doing for the past 15 minutes?!
She eventually settled down long enough for story time. I had to read two books. She refused to say her prayers so I said them for her. Then she cried as I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. "I love you, Maddie."...."I love you too, Mommy, see you tomorrow", she whimpered. True story (it's our thing). But she refused to go to sleep.
Everything in me wanted to stay there with her. Comfort her. Help her get to sleep. She needed me. He needed me too.
Even though I knew she'd be in capable hands it was hard. But, as I drove back to the hospital I thought, she won't remember this moment a year from now, shoot, she'll probably have forgotten it as soon as she sees my face tomorrow morning. But him, he'd remember if I'd made an effort to be there for him when he needed me. He'd understand, as parents do, but he'd remember. I would remember to.
It's hard to put your spouse first when you're a parent, even in situations like this and especially when your child(ren) are still young and dependent. I doubt we're the only ones who struggle with this. We've even had that whole conversation about whose life we'd save in a dire situation. It's always the child. Who doesn't pick the child?!? In spite of that, we have to hone in on each other and choose each other more and not just when we're forced to choose each other due to unfortunate circumstances. Lord willing, our child(ren) won't be living with us forever so spending time alone together, staying connected and being there for each other when needed most is incredibly important.
I chose him tonight. I'm certain I'll choose him again tomorrow. Let the mother' guilt begin!
31 Days of Writing Series:
Day 1 - 31 Days of #HoningIn
Day 2 - My Morning